…an “I” for an eye

The holy wars are erupting…

it has been too cold or windy as of late to spend any real free and unbridled time outside….in this house of too many chiefs and not enough Indians this scenario translates into lots of missed moments to love. How best to handle this…all of this in the way God is calling me while in the background there are the call to arms to fight for the next “cause”…theirs not mine ;o) I hope God calls me using His “outside voice” because it sounds like a zoo in here…as the old line goes…”it is so crowded in here (read with noise) I have to go outside to change my mind”!

It seems to me that God is the only one who knows exactly what kind of love we need and the expression thereof. He has planted within our lives moments to love in the form of seeds. But like anything I do, slow and steady growth and pruning isn’t as gentle as I would like it to be…it feels more like a holy war. In this garden weeds need to be pulled up too. Who likes to get their nails dirty…again?…didn’t I just do this a thousand yesterdays ago?! When we learn that a bit of good clean dirt can lend itself to a cleaner heart and a greater portion of peace, I don’t think we will mind so much the process by which it came there…self-sacrifice….but wasn’t “I” dirty enough for the last thousand yesterdays?…”I” thought so… and maybe I should concentrate not so much on the denial of things and appetites but more like the steady promotion of the quiet and the sweet and the lovely things…but it is so noisy!…did I make that grand breakthrough yet?

The sweet and the lovely…like smiles when you really would much rather yell…I can say, that one is hard for me…worse than giving up chocolate (when pressed hard enough, that is ;o) Some times I just feel as if I am in God’s holy wine press….if you can stand the pressure the fruit is pretty good…

I really need to slow down and allow God time with my heart…I need to pray more and allow it to become good habit that will lend me more than a good portion of peace with plenty to spare for my neighbor. I need to slow down and find meaningful work in my prayer life and do it all slowly and deliberately…even cleaning the table or scrubbing a floor as a prayer does much to stretch my heart to love others…especially when you know that in five minutes the floor may become muddy again or the table will have peanut butter or craft supplies on it at any moment…(maybe both at the same time…mixed wih milk!) But this is not just for ME…it is for THEM… What them?…those them…see? the them lurking behind me as I am on the computer… If I am not mistaken…I think they are suiting up to do battle over some lost cookie dough…heaven help us…”the cooked cookies are better” vs “the cookie dough is much better crowd”….

I am preparing the environment of my home and heart at the same time. I long for the children to do the same and have it in the front of their minds and hearts…what a challenge! I am a facilitator to inner peace when I clear the way for more love. I really feel more like the most delicate way to do this would be with a bulldozer…get it done all at once and for all…do you think that would work?!

I loved reading this article today! I love this quote:

If you haven’t yet discovered the true beauty and comfort of your own home, there is buried treasure waiting for you. All it will take is for you to decide what it is you want your home to be, and then work towards that. It won’t happen overnight – this is slow process and, like housework, it will never end, but making a real home is another one of those valuable things that will serve you as much in the journey as in the destination.

Here I am losing heart in these cold days of early winter…trying to stretch the family budget (such as it is) to meet the needs of my loved ones…cooking, cleaning, teaching, learning (as a good teacher is also a student) trying not to get so full of myself that I get in the way of ministering to my home and my loved ones in the ways that Our Lord has commanded me to love.

A few months back when I went to confession I was sure that my dear priest was commanding me to love more…and boy did I feel a bit at a loss as to how to accomplish that. Instead he said something I didn’t expect….

Aah…so much consideration we must have for the expression of love. How to teach this to the young ones? Modeling this is a good start…but how do they handle their frustration when the days are cold and long…? Must pray…must pass out Hot Chocolate….I just HAVE to make our precious moments count.

God knows exactly what kind of expression of love my neighbor needs even when that need is not communicated well to me. …i.e. cranky whiney child may need a hug or an early lunch or a long walk with Mom… I have to use my God-given seedling imagination more…When I get to involved in the “I” or”me” of the day and the other little ions running round this home catch the same negativity…we miss the good stuff.

We miss moments to love all of the time here when our personal agenda’s are running full tilt to the point where there is no room in them for improvisation and/or interruptions. No matter how good they look on paper or sound in conversation if I can’t see my way around them to the real life happening in every moment they would be better off not being written in the first place. I almost missed something special with my toddler…I missed a quick moment to be quiet and sit on my hands (so to speak) and watch and listen to the toddler explain why the penguins got to the zoo…even though we heard it a thousand times and know how the story ends up…to her it is fresh and new. It hasn’t lost it’s appeal. When I talk to her I listen to her with the eyes that see HER not the impression of the story that my ears have heard a thousand times. Since repetition is her best friend, I would be missing a very important part of my day if I didn’t stop and laugh with her and share her giant hug at the end of her tale…after which she skips off with joy in her feet. If I had too much “I” in my eye I would have turned around 3 minutes ago and finished washing down the counter and missed all the good stuff. Maybe that board is named “I” …an “I” for an eye perhaps? I’ll let you decide.

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